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Single and Unemployed

so far, there's been one way to describe my life these days. BORING. nothing's happening. looking for a job is stressful enough as it is. what more if i'm looking for a partner. anyway, that's for later. now, job. f*ck.

could there be anything more frustrating than looking for a job??? the endless waiting for callbacks, for replies, for emails, for a mere text messsage! fine. there are a lot of applicants. but you also have lots of employees to accommodate us! gad! do we really have to wait for weeks before we can be informed if we're rejected or even being considered for the position?? it's just unfair. and to think, all of my friends, well at least most of my friends who don't have jobs yet, including me, are having a very difficult time in looking for a job already. what about those who didn't graduate from up ateneo or la salle? cmon, let's be honest. SOME companies do discriminate. rumors before were saying that there are even companies who have 2 piles of resumes. one's for up ateneo or la salle graduates and the other one's for everyone else :| i didnt like that. i didnt like that at all. superior much? that's the kind of thinking that causes instability and brain drain in this country. i won't go into that. for now. job hunting. frustrating, expensive, time-consuming if i was doing something. but im a freaking bum. bum. bum. bum. bum. i don't feel good right now because of this. i don't feel like i am. but that can't be. i miss philo classes.

do you take the non believers?
coz i'm a non believer.
-Non Believer by La Rocca

haayy. it's been almost 5 months, going on 6 months since our break-up. i have to be honest, and it's the first time that i'm gonna say this. nothing felt different. i admit to being a bad boyfriend. i admit that i didn't put my best efforts into our relationship. why? why was i an ass? well, maybe i wanted some. maybe i just needed it. yeah, that's one part. i believe i was still waiting...hoping that something (someone) from the past would be something (someone) of the present. i think she was the one person i loved during college. the one who, for the longest time, i've been trying to convince others around me that i didn't feel the same way anymore. that i didn't like her anymore. why the f*ck did i get so caught up? stupid. senseless. back then, i managed to convince everyone including myself that it was over. that i was done with whatever feelings or infatuation or hallucination i had for that person. but here i am. making this entry. a couple of weeks back, i went to the beach with a lot of friends. (i had the time of my life!) anyway, she was there with our group. (we're pretty close even after an untoward incident sometime back. ergo, "funny relationship" according to her.) every night was a night of alcohol and dancing and drunkenness and for some of us, even drugs. on one of the nights, the girls had this crazy idea: kissing party. everyone had to kiss everyone. girl-girl. then girl-boy. boy-boy? no way. haha. so i kissed her. it was a smack. nothing. on our last night, we were both kinda drunk early on. she was drunk. i was drunk enough. we kissed. and we kissed. i can't remember for how long. 10 seconds? maybe more. i dont know if anyone saw us. she can't even remember. i do.

anyway, my point is that for some reason, i felt something when we kissed. i didnt want to. i know i shouldnt have felt anything coz it was bora, we were drunk. anything that goes on there, should stay there, as the infamous saying goes. but oh well. what happened, happened already and i can't deny what i felt. i guess i'll just spend these days just doing what i do best. and by the way, it doesn't help that she's spending all of her time with my roommate for 5 months. and that we all see each other very often. oh well. i did it once. i can do it again.

there's another one that i wish to write about. and i will. next time.

Stupid Jerk

Stupid jerk
Think positive
But it’s difficult
I know
That’s how you do it
Face it
That’s the secret.
I think
I wanna have that
What Lucas had
No, stupid.
Then what?
I wanna know if I made any difference in this world. If I affected people’s lives in any way, especially my friends. They’re all I’ve got. I wanna know what they would be like if I turned out to be more or less of a man, of a person.
You can’t know that.
Why not?
Coz those things only happen in dreams. Or TV for that matter.
Why can’t I know? Why can’t anyone know? Everyone should know.
So that people would feel worthy. It’s important, you know? To feel worthy every once in a while. So that I’d have a reason to go on.
You sound crazy.
I know I do.